PROPHECIES!
GLOBAL WARMING IN YOUR PANTS
• A Sufi real estate magnate will build a chain of sacred
shopping centers in the American heartland.
• The average length of an act of heterosexual intercourse
in America -- which is currently only four minutes -- will jump
to 18 minutes.
• An organization calling itself Morality Is Trendy will
launch a successful boycott of all products that advertise on TV
shows that refuse to depict in a favorable light the following:
talking hummingbirds, green eggs and ham, senior citizens playing
water polo, and healthy people with multiple personalities.
• Stunning new trends will include gay children, holistic
crack, and computers that can talk to the Goddess. Also look for
digitally remastered CDs of the Big Bang, prestigious vacations
in refugee camps, and an aphrodisiac that stimulates compassion
even more than sexual passion.
• To demonstrate their lasting commitment to serving the
needs of the American consumer, some corporations will buy mountains
and carve their trademarks and logos into the rock -- much like
Mt. Rushmore.
• With all the money they've saved from not having to pay
any taxes at all, three of the top military contractors will join
together to buy stuffed animals for the 20 million underfed children
in America.
• The newest militant minority will be Dreamaniacs, people
who religiously get at least nine hours of sleep a night, and think
everyone else should too. They'll claim that sleep-deprivation is
primarily responsible for the decline of civilization, and proselytize
obnoxiously about salvation through lucid dreams.
• The government will begin paying subsidies to some lawyers
so they won't practice law--much as it now pays supermarket chains
to keep cheese off the market when there is too much and the excess
would bring prices down.
• The recovered memories movement will take a bizarre turn
when many adults begin to recall under hypnosis long-suppressed
memories of joy and peace experienced when they were children.
• A fundamentalist evangelist will call for a revival of
the medieval Crusades. Hundreds of thousands of fundamentalist Christians
dressed in 13th century garb will descend on Washington, Hollywood,
and Wall Street, digging in to lay seige to America's centers of
power armed with nothing more than catapults that hurl heavy stones
and flaming bags of cow manure.
RENOUNCING YOUR HOROSCOPE IS OK, SAYS PROMINENT SCIENTIST
• Scientists in Dallas will report that the average person's
life span is reduced by approximately one minute every time he or
she smokes a cigarette, overeats, gets drunk, or crosses the street
in order to avoid having to exchange boring pleasantries with an
approaching acquaintance.
• All anchorpersons will be required by law to open their
shows with the disclaimer, "The Surgeon General has determined
that I am a highly paid entertainer who never lets the facts stand
in the way of a good story."
• The national murder rate will plummet after a cable TV
network begins to broadcast live childbirths 24 hours a day.
• There'll be a spin-off from the karaoke concept: nightclubs
where groups of soap opera fans can re-enact their favorite episodes.
• Researchers will uncover stunning evidence that vegetables
have an intensity of consciousness and feeling much closer to animals
than has previously been suspected. Many vegetarians will renounce
their previous diets and swear to eat only milk and honey.
• Botched genetic experiments will create a strain of mutant
bacteria that causes people to hate opinion polls.
• Not one person in Ulan Bataar will have fat cells from
their butt injected into their forehead to smooth away wrinkles.
• Many seemingly nice people will cynically use honesty,
cheerfulness, and openness to manipulate others into doing things
their way.
• Surgeons will begin to perform foreskin reimplantations.
After a major study of the psychology of rapists suggests that many
men confuse sex with violence because of the post-natal trauma of
circumcision, thousands of males will attempt to heal their psyches
by having pseudo-foreskins grafted on, using patches of skin from
elsewhere on their bodies. |
